Severus Snape and the Head Girl on Fire
by P.D. Ellus
Summary: A satire on the HP fan fiction world. Hermione, Snape, Harry and Ginny all have their secrets and the incoming final battle will surprise everyone. HGSS


Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: This is by far, the silliest one-shot I've ever written. Several things drove me to write it. Comments on LJ on Hermione's weirdest choices of work and just about every cliché, flaws and pet peeves that we find in bad and sometimes even good fan fiction. Pinkcorsair's Mary Sue satire story and a few others I have read before also inspired me. I tried to make mock everything I could remember, even from my own fics and the books. Hopefully you won't want to kill me after you finished reading this.

-SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE HEAD GIRL ON FIRE

The Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry joined her friends at the Great Hall for breakfast that Saturday morning. The two dark circles under her eyes could be visible from miles away, which brought the unsuspecting attention of black, piercing eyes from the staff table.

"You look tired, Hermione," Harry said with concern. "I told you I could help you out with my huge fortune at Gringotts."

"Harry, you know I am too noble to accept it. Besides, work is very good for the character." Hermione's eyes searched the distance as she remembered her parents' fate. They were brutally slaughtered by a horde of Death Eaters, and now she had to work to earn money for her studies.

She had to balance her time between the job at MacWizards and babysitting for Snape's secret bastard babies—who were kept hidden in the dungeons, and she was the only one to know— plus her studying and helping Harry save the world. Not to mention her secret, the one no one would ever know.

"I thought the job at MacWizards was in the afternoons. Why do you look like you have been up all night, and what is that glitter on your eyelids?" Ron asked through a mouthful of sausages.

Hermione's lip curled in disgust as a streak of oil ran down his chin, before furtively wiping the rest of silver glitter out of her eyes. "I… was studying."

Harry's lifted one eyebrow in total disbelief. "Are you hiding something for me, Hermione? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS KEEP THINGS FROM ME?"

At that moment, Professor Lupin was passing by and couldn't help overhearing Harry's outburst. "Calm down, Harry; here, have some chocolate."

Harry took the chunk of chocolate and started to calm down.

Lupin, who was back to teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, despite the fact he had resigned and parents were scared to death with the knowledge that he was a werewolf, sat beside him and asked, "Now, what's the matter?"

"It's Hermione… I don't think selling wizard's burgers and studying needs that amount of makeup, I…"

"Parents slaughtered!" she exclaimed. Both boys and the Professor looked at her sympathetically, forgetting the whole subject entirely.

Back at the high table, a dark figure swept up and, in a swish of robes, was gone through the teachers' door.

Behind him, Dumbledore's eyes twinkled madly, looking back and forth between the retreating form of the dark man and the Gryffindor table.

Hermione stood up and gathered her book bag. "Have to go, the morning shift at MacWizards will start in an hour, and I have some homework left to do."

Ron winced as he mistook his forehead for his mouth again, sticking the fork right between his eyes. Pulling it out, he finally managed to insert the fork into his mouth and chewed on his scrambled eggs. "Don't work too hard; you're starting to look old."

"I am old, Ronald. Remember? Time turner?" she asked, placing both hands on her hips.

"Oh, yeah, that's right, you turned 140 last September," he said, picking some leftover scrambled eggs from his eyebrow and shoving it into his mouth.

Harry made a face and stood up as well, saying he needed to go do something important. The boy-who-lived's actions weren't lost on Hermione when she saw Draco Malfoy stand up and follow Harry through the door.

As everyone left the Great Hall, each one intent in their own secrets, a yelp could be heard, followed by Ron cursing loudly, trying to pull the fork out of his nose.

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Snape was thoughtful in his office, slowly rocking a baby in his arms while he pushed a milk bottle into the tiny mouth of another infant in a bassinet, and rocking another bassinet with his foot. He was trying to figure out what on earth had made Miss Granger look so tired; surely it wasn't only her studying and working two jobs! There was something else…

The wards came down, and Hermione Granger walked in.

"Finally!" said Snape exasperated. "I pay you well enough to be on time, Miss Granger!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I overslept and then…"

"Stop blabbering explanations and grab a baby!" Snape snapped.

"Well, it's not my fault that you go around impregnating every…" Before Hermione could help it, the words came tumbling down her tongue, and she covered her mouth with her hands too late to repair the damage.

To her surprise, Snape's dark glare turned into one of pain and regret, followed by one of pity, then one of anger again, and finally impassiveness.

Snape put the baby gently down and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

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If only Snape could tell her that despite being a Sex-God and satisfying hundreds of women on a weekly basis, his one true wish was to be with her… but she was a student and he was a man of integrity, even though he couldn't help lusting over the insufferable girl.

Being irresistible wasn't easy, keeping his dark, brooding, well-crafted look, not to mention the consequences. Several nights of passionate sex, under his experienced hands, and any woman could forget to take her contraceptive potion. The results were crying around poor Miss Granger at the moment.

What could he do? He was a Sex-God! He was a dark hero! He was brilliant! He was every woman (and man)'s dream of a perfect man!

Snape curled into a ball in a corner of his private and luscious chamber, sobbing and shaking. Lifting his head slightly, he met his reflection on his floor-to-ceiling mirror. The distressed man cursed in a strangled voice, "Damn you, Severus Snape! Damn you for being so deliciously lovable!"

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Lunch was a strange affair.

Hermione took one look at Ginny and knew she had been up to something. She shook her head at the other girl's wicked smile.

"Please don't tell me who it was this time, I don't want to know!" The Head Girl said, trying to eat without choking on the horrible images Ginny was about to tell her.

The redhead opened a worn out black book and crossed the name "Zabini - eleven am."

"Oh God, Ginny, you have a book for appointments? No, don't show me, I don't want to see it!" Hermione said pushing the book away. She always knew that Ginny was… well… extroverted, but this was too much for her. The Head Girl, despite being older, was still a virgin, and here was Ginny, always busy with someone. It was very disconcerting. She pushed those thoughts away when Harry and Ron sat the table.

Ron sat and proceeded to stuff himself with everything in sight, not even bothering to look up.

"Hello, Harry, want to take a walk at the lake after lunch?" Ginny said in her most seductive way. It had been a long time since Ginny felt embarrassed around Harry.

"Uh… I can't, I have, er, some stuff... to do," dismissed Harry, shooting a nervous glance at the Slytherin table.

Hermione didn't miss that, and realized for the first time that Harry was the only male, except for her brothers, that Ginny was never able to acquire to her list.

Ginny looked slightly annoyed and disappointed, but it was soon forgotten when two strangers appeared in the middle of the Hall. A boy and a girl about seventeen. Not only did they Apparate into Hogwarts, which Hermione thought impossible, but also they were disturbingly handsome.

Dumbledore stood up to greet both of them with a smile and twinkling eyes. The Great Hall was silent and expectant, waiting to find out who and how and why.

Dumbledore beckoned both strangers to sit at the staff table, and then turned to address the students. "I would like to introduce you to our two new students, who are here to help us defeat Voldemort."

"I thought I was the one to defeat Voldemort!" Harry shouted, standing up with balled fists. "AND WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO KEEP ME IN THE DARK?"

At that, Hermione could see Snape rolling his eyes.

"Calm down, Harry, and please don't destroy anything; it took me quite a while to fix that mess in my office!" Dumbledore said, moving in Harry's direction.

The boy blushed at the mention of Dumbledore's office.

"Lemon Drop?" Dumbledore offered while Lupin quickly came to the rescue and offered some chocolate instead. Harry accepted the chocolate, but still looked warily at the old man with twinkling eyes.

Harry finally sat back at his place and waited for Dumbledore's explanation.

"Our fight against Voldemort will need all the help we can get, so I allowed these two prized students to join the Order. They are twins from Hollywood's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and are also Aurors despite their young age."

"How could they Apparate inside Hogwarts? I read in **Hogwarts, A History** that no one can…" Hermione started to ask but was interrupted when the siblings approached the Gryffindor table, flashing their striking smiles and shiny white teeth.

"We have a special kind of magic that allows us to break the strongest of wards," the girl said, tucking her impeccable auburn hair behind her ear. Hermione couldn't tell her eye color because it kept changing and it held some sort of hypnotic power.

The boy nodded, smiling seductively at Ginny, who was beside herself. He had shoulder length auburn hair and his violet eyes were just as hypnotic as his sister's.

Dumbledore smiled and continued, "Everyone, please meet Mary Sue and Gary Stu Pitt!"

The old man turned back to the siblings and said, "I think you better go to your chambers to get ready for our next meeting this afternoon."

Gary Stu asked, "Would you be so kind and ask a house-elf to send a latté and a blueberry bagel to my chambers?"

"Of course; would you like something, Miss Pitt?" Dumbledore asked, patting the girl's back.

"No, thank you, I'm watching my figure," she said, flashing a heart-melting smile before turning to Hermione, who had added two biscuits to her plate. "I would do the same if I were you," she said, pinching the skin on Hermione's arm.

Before the Head Girl could lash out, the siblings disappeared with a loud pop.

"I can't believe her!" Hermione said, outraged.

"Well, you've got to admit, that was a hell of a show!" Ginny said.

Lifting his head from his plate for the first time, Ron asked, "What was?"

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At the end of the afternoon, an Order meeting took place in Dumbledore's office. Since their sixth year, Hermione and Harry had been allowed to join the meetings because of their use for the war. Ron was kept out of it, and Hermione wondered if he even noticed the difference.

Hermione was having a hard time taking in the revelations she was learning this time, not to mention the annoyance of the two new members. After a demonstration of their astonishing abilities and carefully crafted plan, they allowed Professor Snape to give a report of his last meeting with Voldemort.

The Head Girl always felt very bad for Snape when she thought he had to endure the Death Eater's meetings. His revelations didn't help her feel any better. An attack was to take place in the next two days, and all they could do was wait.

As if on cue, Snape stopped talking abruptly and squeezed his left arm in pain.

She saw him leaving for what would be another night of torture, and quickly followed him, not knowing what she would say, and not understanding the emotions suddenly taking over her.

Reaching him next to his chamber, she pulled his arm, before losing all her courage. He flinched at the touch, and black eyes met brown in a piercing glare. "What do you want, Miss Granger?"

"I don't know… I thought you were nothing more than an ugly git yesterday, and now I have this urge to pounce you so we can shag like Kneazles in heat."

He studied her face for a few seconds and lifted one long finger to brush away a stray lock of her bushy mane. "I know, I have this effect on people." His softened features darkened, and he snatched his finger away.

"Go back to your common room, Miss Granger! This can never be!" He left in a swish of black robes, disappearing into the darkness of the Dungeons.

"Be careful," Hermione murmured to no one, and made her way back to the common room.

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The cloaked figures formed a circle around the snake-like Dark Lord.

"Before I start today's meeting, I have something to say," Voldemort said clearing his throat. _"Crucio!"_ He pointed his wand randomly, and everybody ducked instinctively.

The Dark Lord laughed. "Just checking to see if your reflexes are good. Now, on with the meeting."

"We will attack tomorrow. I don't see why we should wait any longer and…"

One of the Death Eaters coughed, interrupting Voldemort's speech.

_"Crucio!"_

The man fell on the Dark wizard's feet, crying in pain while the Dark Lord continued his instructions, ignoring the man's moans.

"Now, Lucius, have you taken care of the wards?"

"Yes, my Lord, I was successful in taking each of them down. Dumbledore will only notice our presence when it's too late."

"Excellent! _Crucio!_" The Dark Lord cursed Lucius.

"I'm sorry, my Lord, but why am I being punished?" Lucius asked in between short breaths.

"Nothing, just habit. Now, get up before I curse you again!"

Lucius quickly swallowed the pain and retreated to his position in the circle.

"Severus, am I to trust that you are misleading them to believe that there won't be an attack for the next few weeks?"

Snape felt the blood drain from his face as he stepped closer, knowing he would surely be tortured tonight. It always happened when the Dark Lord was in a chipper mood. His favorite activity when he was excited was to cast a Cruciatus on everything that moved.

"Yes, my Lord, I've delivered all the information you asked this afternoon." Snape said, ready to take the blow.

"Wonderful! _Cru…_ Hey, Pettigrew, you imbecile! I told you I wanted a sprinkle of cinnamon on my cappuccino, not the entire container!" the Dark Lord said to Peter Pettigrew, who had just brought him a cup. The snake-like wizard pointed his wand at Pettigrew, hitting him with the Cruciatus curse, and thankfully forgetting about Severus' punishment.

Peter fell to the ground, whimpering like the rat he was.

Voldemort laughed soundly, elbowing Severus. "Isn't that amusing? We say '_Crucio_' and 'boom' they fall, I just love that…" The Dark Lord said, wiping away his tears of mirth. "Anyway, Bella, come closer, would you?"

"Surely, master, " she said, stepping closer eagerly.

"_Crucio!_ I repeatedly told you not to leave the circle unless asked to!" Voldemort hissed.

"Forgive me, master, but you just told me to do so," Bellatrix said, falling to her knees in agonizing pain.

"Oh, so I did… my bad," he said, shrugging, and after a few more instructions, dismissed everyone with a wave of his hand, retreating to his own chambers to prepare for the following day.

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Hermione sat in the common room, fidgeting impatiently as her friends were drinking butterbeer and talking without a care in the world.

"Are you worried about the attack, Hermione?" Harry finally noticed his friend's worried face.

"Yes… er, that," was her answer.

"Everything will be fine, Hermione, we got Harry here to save the day. Although I wonder how you guys always know all this information without being in the Order…" Ron wondered, pensively.

Both Harry and Hermione exchanged knowing looks.

"Yes, now that you mention it, it is strange," Ginny said, without taking her eyes off Gary Stu and his sister, who were surrounded by other students.

"Damn!" Ron exclaimed, trying to dry his butterbeer-covered face with his shirt.

"I told you not to think and drink at the same time, Ron, you always misplace your mouth!" said Hermione reproachfully. "Concentrate on your drink!"

"I can't take this anymore, I'll go to… for a walk," said the Head Girl, avoiding Harry's eyes.

"I'm going too," Ginny said, as she saw Gary Stu and Mary Sue leave the common room. "Maybe I'll forgo my 'seven pm' and try to get to know the new students."

"What do you mean, your 'seven pm'?" Ron asked suspiciously, eyeing his sister.

"Your drink, Ron," Ginny said, pointing at his hand that had turned the contents of his bottle all over his lap.

"Bloody hell!" Ron said, running to the dormitory to change his pants.

Harry also decided to leave without so much as a word, and Hermione couldn't help following him, to once and for all find out what had been making him look so weird lately.

From a distance, she could see everyone was going in the same direction. Gary Stu and his sister were making their way to the dungeons, closely followed by Ginny, and a little farther behind by Harry. The boy-who-lived didn't seem to care where anyone else was going, but strangely enough, he was going to the dungeons too.

As they got closer to the Potions classroom, she debated if she should go in and wait for Professor Snape as she first intended or if she should go on and see what her friend was up to.

Curiosity won, and she followed Harry, who came to a halt right before the Slytherin common room. The scene that met her eyes wasn't as surprising as what happened next.

Harry stared in complete outrage as Gary Stu and Malfoy were snogging each other senseless. It was really disturbing, but she always suspected Malfoy's sexual orientation. But why was Harry so angry?

Malfoy took notice of Harry's presence and met his eyes, face contorted in a mix of desire and apology.

"HOW COULD YOU?" Harry barked.

"Calm down, Harry, it's not what you're thinking," Malfoy said, stepping away from Gary Stu who, even in the face of such a compromising scene, still managed to look dashing.

"I LOVED YOU! I CONFESSED MY UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU AND YOU GO SNOGGING THE FIRST BITCH YOU FIND?"

Lupin showed up in the middle of the confusion, panting as if he had been running. "Harry, calm down, here, have some chocolate," the shabby professor offered, patting the boy on his back.

Harry accepted the chocolate and took a big chunk into his mouth.

Malfoy moved closer and said, "I'm sorry, Harry, but it was beyond my control. How could I resist his charms?" At that, Gary Stu flashed a toothy smile and shrugged apologetically.

But the boy-who-lived wouldn't listen. He shook his head and ran away, hugging himself in despair.

Hermione watched everything with her mouth hanging open. It was just too much for one day! If it weren't for her eagerness to see the Potions master, she would console her friend. In her haste to get back to Snape's chambers, she didn't register the fact that Ginny was nowhere in sight.

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Hermione took down the wards to Snape's chambers and got busy organizing the already organized room, just to keep her mind off the atrocities he could be going through. It was a blessing that he left the babies at his half-sister's. She wasn't in the mood for all the crying.

It was funny how not even the Headmaster knew of the babies, and it was even more surprising to find that Snape had a sister. She knew nothing of the complex Potions master, but was hungry to find out. She would ask all about him, right after they shagged like there was no tomorrow.

The thought brought a warm, fuzzy feeling to her body, and she prayed to all gods that he came back alive from that vile meeting.

She heard the Floo being activated and ran to his bedroom to find him brushing away the soot from his Death Eater's robes. "Great! First, Lucius' blood, now soot, this was my best Death Eater robe!"

"Professor?" Hermione's voice filled the room.

He looked startled for a moment, and then tried to compose his ever-changing façade. "Miss Granger, I thought I told you to go to your common room! It's way past curfew!"

She ignored him and went on to feel and probe his body, looking relieved after checking it thoroughly. When she cupped him, he jumped back in surprise.

"Thank Merlin everything seems to be intact," she said finally.

"Dare I ask?" Snape said with raised eyebrow.

"Well, it wouldn't do to have you missing important limbs on my first time, would it?"

"This is highly inappropriate, Miss Granger… wait, did you say your 'first time'?"

Hermione fought a blush and said shyly, "It's Hermione to you, sir, and not one wizard ever wanted to take my flower."

"If you call it that way, it's no wonder no one wanted to take it," he said dryly, pulling her to him and ravishing her mouth in a heated kiss.

After ten minutes of non-stopping snogging, he pushed her away. "No, I can't! You're a student."

"I thought Slytherins weren't into nobility, integrity and all that propriety bore," she said, annoyed by the lack of his mouth on hers.

"We're not, but I like my money and stability too much to lose my job," he answered with a sneer.

"But we can all die in a few days with the war. I don't want to die a virgin!"

"That's a good point," he said, pulling her again, trying to rip her clothes off, while she did the same to him. "Besides," he said in between kisses. "The attack will be tomorrow…"

Just as realization hit that he hadn't gone to Dumbledore to report his meeting with the Dark Lord and the incoming attack, he heard the Floo being activated. They were both naked by now, and there was no time to run to the door. Severus grabbed Hermione fast and pulled her to the bed with him, throwing his luxurious duvet over their bodies just in time to see Dumbledore's head staring back at him.

"I see you already came," said Dumbledore with twinkling eyes.

"Not yet… er, I mean, yes sir, I just arrived, but the Dark Lord was in a very bad mood and I, er… am trying to recover by taking a little nap," Snape lied, trying to still Hermione's form inside the duvet.

"I'm sorry to hear that, my boy. Should I fetch Poppy?"

"NO! I mean… no need to concern Poppy; I just need a good night's sleep. But I will get dressed and meet you in your office to give you a full report," Snape chanced.

"No need, my boy, just give me the story from where you are." The old man smiled.

Severus tried his best to keep a cool face, but the fact that Hermione was licking her way down to his throbbing erection wasn't helping.

"Well, sir, basically the attack is tomorrow. We have better let Potter know so he can be prepared by morning. We should need all the Aurors we can get… GOOD LORD!" Severus yelled as Hermione swallowed his member into her hot mouth. "I'm sorry, Headmaster, it's just a recurring pain from the Dark Lord's curses."

"You look really bad, Severus. You're even sweating. Are you sure you don't want me to call Poppy? It's really no trouble," the headmaster asked, concerned.

"No," came the strangled replied as Hermione increased the pace of her suckling.

"Then I'll let the Order members know. I'll leave you to your rest." Dumbledore's head left the hearth.

"Thank you, Headmaster," Snape hissed, falling back on his fluffy Slytherin green pillows.

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Many multiple orgasms later, Severus and Hermione lay sated, hugging each other lazily.

"Are you sure you were a virgin?" he asked, breathless.

"One would think that a Slytherin Sex-God such as yourself would be able to recognize a virgin," Hermione replied playfully.

"I suppose it's because you don't just excel in your studies, Miss Granger, you manage to excel in everything," he purred.

She smiled smugly and turned serious as she remembered something. _The attack is tomorrow._

"Severus, if we manage to get out alive, can we still…" she trailed away.

"I think so, I mean, if the headmaster hasn't noticed you sucking my cock right beneath his beard, he won't find out we're seeing each other," Snape replied. _So much for his omnipotence! I could have an entire family living right here in these chambers and the old fool wouldn't know. Wait! I do have a family living here, don't I?_

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The morning arrived, and the Castle was silent and eerie, almost as if knowing it would be attacked at any moment. All the Aurors and Order members were in strategic points, waiting for the action to begin. Severus Snape and Hermione Granger were keeping watch of the grounds from the Gryffindor tower while Dumbledore and Lupin tried to convince Harry to get out of bed and prepare for the fight.

"Why is the little sod so depressed that he won't fulfill his part in the prophecy?" Snape asked Hermione exasperated.

"He found out his one true love was cheating on him with Gary Stu." Hermione shot one sad look at Harry, who refused to come out of the fetal position in his bed.

Snape's lips curled in a smirk. "Really? And who might that be? Wait, I know, it's Miss Weasley, of course, but then who can stop her…"

"It wasn't Ginny." Hermione turned back to the window, realizing she hadn't seen Ginny at all since she woke up.

"Well, then who was it? Miss Lovegood?" Snape guessed.

"Draco Malfoy."

Snape winced as he heard his star Slytherin pupil's name. _Draco and Potter? I expected better of Draco._

On the other side of the room, Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling in annoyance as the ever-so-attentive Professor Lupin tried to help Harry. "There, there, Harry. Here, have some chocolate."

"Harry, my boy, you need to fulfill your destiny in this war or we'll all be doomed," Dumbledore ventured.

"I don't care, nothing else matters… I'm better off dead," Harry said, accepting a piece of chocolate.

Snape approached the Headmaster. "Where are the two idiots that are supposed to be the stars of the war along with Potter?"

"Come now, Severus, don't be so hard on them just because they are so astonishingly pretty and talented," the headmaster said with a smile.

"That doesn't change the fact that they completely disappeared since the Order meeting yesterday!" Snape was at the end of his patience. _Why don't they get their arses down there and end this thing so I can go back to shagging Hermione into oblivion?_

Lupin finally managed to get Harry up and took him to the grounds. The boy was numb and dispassionate, making Hermione wonder if there was any hope for any of them.

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Everything happened fast and, before Severus could think, he was shooting hexes at his fellow Death Eaters, showing his true loyalty for everyone to see. Hermione was also doing a pretty good job, but Harry stood still in the middle of it all as if waiting for a hex to finish him off.

Hermione rolled over to Severus' side, ducking a slicing hex aimed her way.

"Where are those bloody wonder-twins when we need them?" she asked in a rush.

Severus shrugged, stupefying Lucius Malfoy and grinning evilly.

After a few exchanges of hexes, the Head Girl looked around. "Where's Ron?"

Severus pointed to a heap of red hair and food-stained robes on the ground.

"Oh my God, what happened?" she asked, worried for her friend.

"Nothing too heroic, I'm afraid. Ten seconds into battle and he tripped over his own robes, falling flat on that rock," the ex-Death Eater said, calmly pointing at the rock in question.

"Is-is he…" Hermione trailed away, afraid to continue.

"No, Miss Granger, we are not that lucky," Snape sneered.

She was about to retort to his dry comment on her friend when utter silence took over the battle field. Everyone's attention was directed to Harry, who was now face to face with Voldemort.

Voldemort laughed maniacally at the boy's apathy. "This is going be so easy, it's almost painful!" the snake-like wizard hissed.

He lifted his wand, ready to mouth the curse that would take Harry's life. Hermione ran in his direction, ignoring Snape's shouts to keep her away. Just as Voldemort was halfway through the word '_Avada_,' she yelled, "Harry! Catch!"

The boy-who-lived's instinct and practice in Quidditch took action, and he grabbed the object Hermione threw at him. In the few seconds before the dark wizard could say the second part of the curse, Harry shielded himself with the object that happened to be a simple mirror.

The Dark Lord shrieked like a banshee with cramps and fell back dead the instant the mirror was aimed at him.

Everybody cheered and came to hug Harry and Hermione for their quick thinking.

Harry still seemed unsure. "Is he really dead? I mean, he didn't even finish saying the curse!"

Madam Pomfrey crouched next to the Dark Lord's limp figure and scanned him with her wand.

"Curious," she said frowning.

"Isn't he dead?" Snape came to stand at her side.

"Oh, he is dead, indeed, but it wasn't the curse that killed him," she replied.

"What was it then?"

"His heart just stopped." She looked at the crowd gathering around them. "He died of fright!"

"Fright? Of what?" Hermione asked.

"Well, apparently his reflection in the mirror was too much for him," Snape said with a smirk. "His ugly face did him in."

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After the Aurors arrested the remaining Death Eaters and everyone escaped death with minor injuries, Hermione and Severus set off to look for the Pitt twins— who hadn't shown their faces during the entire time— to send their useless arses back to California.

After two hours, they managed to find both of them at the Astronomy tower. And they had company.

As they were climbing the stairs, they heard Ginny's voice panting, "Yes! Yes!"

Hermione shook her head. She should have guessed that Ginny would be shagging Gary Stu, but then where was Malfoy?

Snape was ready to deduct points from Gryffindor when he stopped mid sentence. Gary Stu was indeed there, but shagging Malfoy, completely oblivious to their presence, while Ginny was straddling Mary Sue, in the throes of passion.

"Ginny!" Hermione yelled.

The red head looked sheepishly at her friend, standing up and covering herself with pieces of clothing.

Snape gave both Malfoy and Ginny a week's detention with Filch and sent the twins to the Headmaster's office. After they were gone, Snape turned to Ginny and Hermione.

Pulling the bushy-haired girl to the side, he whispered, "I'll see you tonight, Miss Granger. Right now, I have essays to mark."

"I always thought that once the war was over, you would stop teaching."

"Are you kidding? I love teaching."

"But you hate the students," Hermione said in disbelief.

"That was all part of my Death Eater disguise. My real true loves are my children," he said smiling kindly.

He kissed her mouth softly and, with a pop, turned into a bat, flying his way to the dungeons.

"I thought you said he wasn't a vampire," Ginny said, frowning.

"He isn't," Hermione replied. Both girls blinked and shrugged.

"Anyway, I didn't think you liked girls, Ginny." Hermione looked at the red head.

"I always did," the girl said simply.

"But why the charade with all the men?"

"I have to keep my reputation, don't I?" Ginny answered with a grin.

"Well, I got to go, I have… uh… something to take care of…" Hermione trailed off.

"You mean your job at the strip club?" Ginny asked, looking at her nails absent-mindedly.

Hermione paled. "How did you know?"

"Fred and George own the club, how could I not know? Only Ron is stupid enough not to be aware of that."

"And here I thought I had a secret no one would ever find out," Hermione said, disappointed.

"I won't tell anyone if you don't tell about Mary Sue," Ginny offered.

"It's a deal," said Hermione, grinning.

"Why do you do it though, Hermione? You already have two other jobs, and you're always so proper," Ginny asked.

"Hello? Slaughtered parents! Emotionally unstable, craving attention?" Hermione replied as if it was plainly obvious.

"Oh, that's right." Ginny eyed her friend sympathetically.

"Let's go or I'll be late, and you know how Fred and George hate tardiness," the Head Girl said, motioning to the stairs.

The red head nodded. "Yeah, I should be going too, I have a 'five pm' with Hagrid."

"Oh great, thanks for the grotesque image. Now I'll have nightmares for weeks!"

"What about you and greasy Snape?" Ginny shot back.

"Well, that's totally different! He is a Sex-GOD!" Hermione replied. "You won't believe what that nose can do."

Both girls descended the stairs and only their laughter could be heard throughout the castle's knowing walls.

FIN.

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A/N: Huge thanks to LariLee for beta-reading on such short notice.

There you have it: over 5000 words of wasted time and some lost brain cells. Note that I don't think the characters are like that… well maybe that is a little truth to Harry ;-) but Ginny, the whore; Ron, the idiot; Severus, the experienced sex God with mood swings were all part of a good joke on fan fiction.

"If you call it that way, it's no wonder no one wanted to take it" is a quote from "Friends" that I shaped to fit in their dialogue.

Reviews will be cherished. Flames will be used to heat cauldrons.


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